“Hi, I’m Troy McClure, you might remember me from…” such hurricanes as 2021. And an innovative new plan of mine to update a storm naming system that is stale and has long ago lost its impact.

Disclosure: my idea stems from my son noticing on TWN recently that Hurricane Epsilon was churning through the Atlantic towards Atlantic Canada.

“Epsilon!” he declared. “Finally, a hurricane name that sounds scary!” (You mean, hurricanes Sandy, Irma and Michael don’t?)

I informed that the Epsilon moniker had resulted from so many storms in 2020 that the US National Hurricane Center, which names them, ran out of letters of the English alphabet it is bound to use and decided to move on to the Greek one (Alpha, Beta, and so on).

But, I wondered, why go Greek when there are so many other possibilities? What about Hurricane Buffy (the vampire slayer), or other pop culture references? And what is more pop culture than The Simpsons, the longest-running TV show in history, and bringer of familiar phrases we all use, like “d’oh,” “woo-hoo,” and “eat my shorts” (don’t we?).

So, if “craptacular” has entered the lexicon, how about Hurricane Comic Book Guy?

Some may argue that there’s nothing hilarious about hurricanes, but then we’ve already seen names like Betsy and Bob.

Maybe taking it further – Hurricane Vader? – might prompt even greater awareness (perhaps saving lives and inspiring subsequent aid efforts).

So, here then are my Springfield-based suggestions for next year’s hurricane and tropical storm naming list. So rich are the options that Bart doesn’t even make the grade – unless, unfortunately, there are so many whirlies (like this year) that the list has to loop back around.

(Note: For full effect, say the names out loud and be sure to add “hurricane” in front!)

A – Apu
B – Bumble Bee Man
C – Comic Book Guy
D – Disco Stu
E – Edna (Krabappel)
F – Flanders
G – Groundskeeper Willie
H – Homer
I – Itchy
J – Jimbo
K – Krusty (the Clown)
L – Lenny
M – Millhouse
N – Nelson
O – Otto (I like to get blotto)
P – Principal Skinner
Q – Quimby
R – Ralph (Wiggum)
S – Sideshow Bob
T – Troy McClure
U – Uter
V – Van Houten
W – Waylon (Smithers)
X – Xoxchitla (okay, had to reach for this one)
Y – Yes Guy
Z – Zutroy

Honourable mentions: Bart, Barney, Bleeding Gums Murphy, Bobo, Carl Carlson, Chief Wiggum, Duffman, Fat Tony, Grampa Simpson, Jasper, Jebediah (Springfield), Kodos, Kang, Kearney, Kent Brockman, Moe, Marge, Mr. Burns, McBain, Mole Man, Mr. Teeny, Poochie, Patty, Old Jewish Guy, Reverend Lovejoy, Sideshow Mel, Scratchy, Superintendent Chalmers, Selma, Santa’s Little Helper, Snowball I/II/III/IV/V, and, last but perhaps most appropriately, Stampy (the elephant).

But maybe you’re more of a Shaggy/Scooby/Velma, or a Bugs/Elmer/Daffy kind of guy/gal?

Or Star Trek: Hurricane Spock, Worf, or Seven of Nine has a certain ring… (Leonard Nimoy notably guested on The Simpsons for a sweet cross-cultural reference).

How about Hawkeye, Trapper John, Klinger, Radar, and Frank Burns, (though perhaps not Spearchucker).

Just once, I’d like to hear a weathercaster on the evening news declare, “Batten down, folks, here comes Hurricane Hot Lips!”