23 OCT 2018: There is one in every crowd. That one person who is always talking at you. Always going on and on about nothing just to hear the sound of their own voice. Nobody likes a friend who is full of hot air. Even worse, is being stuck beside that person on a flight with nowhere to escape. Sometimes the friendly conversation can be a great way to pass the time, but often times the incessant babbling and blowing of hot air can make a short haul feel like the ultra marathon from London all the way Down Under.
But, what happens when this idiom is more literal than figurative? While you can employ various tactics to avoid forced conversation in-flight, there is something else that is happening beyond our control. Something that is even worse than the chatty seatmate. Something that can tarnish your reputation faster than clipping your toenails in public.
Farting.
That’s right! Breaking wind, passing gas, floating an air biscuit, cutting the cheese, no matter how you slice it, we all do it. But, if there is a less ideal time to let ‘er fly than being trapped 35,000 feet in the air in close proximity to 300 fellow passengers, I’d like to hear it. To add insult to injury the conditions on board an aircraft are actually responsible for these gassy tendencies.
The change in air pressure that causes your ears to pop is the same force at work behind that ever embarrassing trouser trumpet. While the atmospheric changes at high altitudes are mediated inside the aircraft, they are still vastly different from what we experience with both feet on the ground. As air pressure drops with increasing altitude, air expands to take up more space. This is why your water bottle or snack packet often feels as though it’s about to burst. It’s also the same thing that’s happening inside your body. Air pockets moving along in your intestines (typically due to improper chewing, stress, or an imbalance in your gut bacteria) will expand. This expanding gas makes you feel bloated, uncomfortable, and in a desperate search for privacy.
Privacy, because societal conditioning has us holding them in at almost all costs. We risk our health to save our pride, and these costs are at a premium when you’re flying. The added pressure of the air expansion at higher altitudes means greater force against your intestines from the inside. The longer you fight the natural urge to release, the greater your risk for abdominal distention and the formation of little balloon-like pouches in your colon where the wall has been stretched too thin. Not to mention the risk of a tragic sneak attack fart that happens without your consent. Flatulence waits for no one!
While the cards seem to be stacked against us, there are some things we can do to help. Try to avoid gas-forming foods and fizzy beverages on board, and before flying. The less gas you have inside, the fewer threats you’ll have at the gate. Check out one of my previous articles on “Jet Bloat” for more specifics. Always drink lots of water and walk the aisles on longer flights to keep things moving on and out with ease. For the really paranoid, underwear lined with odour neutralizing charcoal can be found, which affords you the luxury of relief without the shame-inducing stench. If only they could add a sound blocking feature…
Until then, balance your health with the respect for those around you, remembering also that there is nothing that should trump your wellbeing. Chances are you’ll never see those people again anyway, so who cares what they think, just let it go. If you’re still not convinced, I will leave you with one final theory. If you hold on to your unwanted gas for too long, a variation is believed to be reabsorbed through the intestinal wall and into your bloodstream, where it is expelled via the work of your lungs and out through your mouth. How’s that for hot air?