08 JUN 2017: Reports that, with 128 on board, a major US airline this week successfully operated a 90-minute flight without as much as a single newsworthy incident taking place on board, have been met with skepticism by the media and general public alike. A Department of Homeland Security spokesperson stated that details as to the airline involved and the flight’s routing were being withheld for security reasons. Meanwhile, Nigel Neverright, founder of the activist ‘Passenger Bill of Wrongs’ movement, stated that, “While it’s encouraging to read such an unverified report, we don’t want to precipitate unrealistic consumer expectations that this kind of thing may become a common occurrence.”

Removing tongue from cheek, it has to be said however that when it comes to weird and wonderful storylines, the legendary, ‘Man Bites Dog’ has of late been bettered on a regular basis by the airline industry. Just consider these 100 per cent authentic headlines from the last few weeks:

‘Giant Rabbit Dies on United Flight’

Just when you thought it couldn’t get any worse for United, along comes ‘Simon.’ The three-foot-long behemoth of a bunny died while en route from London to Chicago where he was to have been met by his new “celebrity owner.” According to the vet at LHR, Simon was “fit as a fiddle” three hours before his flight. Now however he sadly joins the ranks of the nine other animals that have died while in United’s care over the last year. When you consider however that the other 109,149 made it to their destinations just fine, could it be the skies are actually friendlier for animals than humans?

‘Woman Accuses Delta of Holding Dog Hostage’

Not allowing United to grab all the flying pet headlines, Delta stepped up to the plate with its own Bunny story: In this case ‘Bunny’ was the name of an eight-month-old German Shepherd. It seems Delta was accused of holding the unfortunate canine “hostage” for 33 hours at the airport in Guatemala City while a “problem with the paperwork” was resolved. Could it possibly be that the documents said ‘Bunny’ where they should have said ‘Dog’?

‘Woman Says She Was Told to Pee in a Cup on Flight’

United Airlines is denying that its flight attendants told a Missouri woman to urinate in a cup rather than allow her to use the restroom. The passenger, who apparently suffers from an overactive bladder condition, claimed she suddenly had to urinate but the seatbelt sign was on and she was told she couldn’t leave her seat. When the crew offered her the alternative of a small cup, the passenger said, “I’m going to need a second cup.” Could it possibly be that the widely reported story was no more than an elaborate ruse to promote a popular Canadian coffee-shop franchise?

‘Passenger Jumped Out of Taxiing American Flight’

Perhaps he too was trying to make it to the bathroom but, as an American Airlines regional jet taxied for takeoff in Charlotte NC, a 22-year passenger – who allegedly spoke little or no English – stood up and headed towards the door. He fought off two passengers who tried to stop him then tried to bite a flight attendant before opening a door and jumping to the tarmac. Could it be that he simply realized he was on the wrong flight? At time of writing it remains a mystery.

But the ‘You Really Can’t Make This Stuff Up Award’ goes to – you guessed it – United Airlines for this utterly bizarre tale that, in a subtle switch of the customary plotline, casts a female pilot in the role usually reserved for troublesome passengers:

‘Pilot Removed From United Flight After Scared Passengers Walk Off’

The United Airlines’ captain scheduled to operate an Austin TX to San Francisco trip reportedly boarded the aircraft in plain clothes and proceeded to ask the passengers over the PA if they were okay with her flying out of uniform. But if you think that’s weird, it gets better:

She next apologized saying she was going through a difficult divorce and that she didn’t care if they’d voted for Trump or Clinton as, “they’re both %$&*#@+!^*ers.”

As one perplexed passenger on the flight tweeted, the situation then went, “from uncomfortable to downright scary.” The pilot went on to tell the flabbergasted passengers that they could get off if they were uncomfortable with her doing the flying, adding, “Don’t worry, I’m going to let my co-pilot fly the plane – he’s a man.”

Surprise, surprise! Proving that airline passengers just don’t have a sense of humor, the vast majority of the passengers grabbed their bags and headed back into the terminal. They were followed shortly thereafter by the pilot who was escorted off – it was not immediately clear if this was done by men in white suits.

Given all the kooky stuff that United Airlines has had to handle in recent times, you’d expect them to be getting quite slick at handling such situations with the media right? Well, you be the judge: UAL spokesperson Charles Hobart said, “The flight was delayed for about two hours and we are discussing the matter with the pilot.”

Wow, that’s comforting to know – hope I can have her fly me soon!

As for the report that, ‘EasyJet Reveals Secret Hand Signals Crew Use to Talk About You’ – we’ll save that for another day.