31 AUG 2017: It’s starting to look like United Airlines believes in the biggest PR myth of all time, namely that there’s no such thing as bad publicity. It’s as if someone in head office said, “We haven’t generated an absurd story in the press for a couple of weeks – better do something about it.”

Well it seems the word got to the pilot of last week’s United flight 1997 from O’Hare for Newark NJ. The flight had already been delayed on the ground for almost for two hours when the pilot decided to stir the pot with his already agitated passengers. He came into the cabin and used the PA to announce that the passengers should get to know their neighbors and prepare for a “very turbulent trip”. Rather than leave it at that, he bizarrely added that they’d be flying through “horrific storms including tornadoes.” At least he didn’t close with, “Thank you for flying the friendly skies.”

In an attempt to mitigate the distress that the captain’s solicitous advice had precipitated, a flight attendant took to the microphone and added her own words of wisdom stating, “The captain didn’t mean it would be unsafe to fly. He just wanted to explain that there’s weather all over the country and planes are flying all over the country every day. So there’s nothing to worry about.” This is kind of inane drivel one might expect to hear from a Miss Universe contestant but not from a highly trained airline professional whose #1 priority is the safety and welfare of the passengers.

But the story wasn’t over. Eventually, the Boeing 737 pushed back from the gate but within seconds it ground to a halt. Several minutes later the pilot got back on the intercom to say they had a technical issue and they’d have to return to the gate. Then, just to add to the bonhomie, another PA advised that the added delay meant the pilot and flight attendants were now “out of hours” so a new crew would have to be found to operate the flight.

Not surprisingly, some 50 or so angry passengers decided they’d had enough and got off with the crew. The flight finally got to Newark seven hours after its scheduled arrival time but, with all the delays, the good news was that the remaining pax didn’t have to contend encounter a single tornado en route!

As such pilot mental lapses go however, United by no means rules the roost. And if anyone at UAL is reading this, please don’t take that as a challenge!

An EasyJet flight from Malaga to Bristol had been delayed for almost two days with mechanical problems. When the flight finally boarded, another last minute technical issue came up, prompting the frustrated captain to announce, “Okay. There is probably a 50/50 chance both our engines will work.” He then asked the startled passengers for a show of hands to decide whether they should take off or stay put.

Last year, in an attempt to explain why their Ryanair flight had been delayed for several hours, a flight attendant told passengers over the PA that, “We have ice on the wings and we don’t want to die.” Needless to say, on top of the delay this light-hearted but black humor did not go down particularly well. A Ryanair spokesman apologized sayings the “regrettable comment was made in the heat of the moment.”

Then a few years ago on a Paris to Dublin flight, after playing the pre-recorded English language PA for, “The captain has switched off the seatbelt sign …”, the English-speaking crew accidentally played the French announcement to, “Adopt the brace position in preparation for a crash landing”. While all the French-speaking passengers immediately flew into a panic, the predominantly English speakers on board looked on in amazement wondering what the fuss was all about.

My favorite though was on a delayed Qantas flight from Perth to Singapore. The big 747 had barely started its takeoff roll when the aircraft came to a sudden halt and then taxied off the runway. “Ladies and gentlemen, captain here” came the announcement. “We just had a warning light pop on: Just some silly little glitch I’m sure but to be safe we’re just contacting engineering.”

Fifteen minutes later they started down the runway again and for the second time came to a shuddering halt. This time, as they headed back to the gate, the captain said, “Ehm, sorry folks, but it looks like it wasn’t such a little glitch after all.’

An hour later, at the third attempt, they made it off the ground and once airborne, the captain came on to say, “Sorry about all that but trust me, it’s a whole lot better being down there wishing you were up here, than being up here wishing you were down there!’

Amen to that.